Goodbye

Enough is enough. I've decided to kill this blog. FWIW, I still think highly of the microISV concept and will try to start one someday. Thanks to everyone who's been reading, and I wish you all well.

Not Dead Yet

It's been ages since I posted. I've considered deleting this blog many times over the last 6 months. I may yet do so. But it seems like I should try to bring it to some kind of closure.

First, my health got worse. I let the stress of working get to me, let my diet go to hell, and ... it wasn't pretty. The good news - I've recently pulled out of that tailspin and am doing better. I'm a long way from healthy, but I'm moving on the right track for now.

Work has been mostly terrible, but what is terrible changes from time to time. I can say that some of the bad guys in earlier posts seem to be suffering some karmic retrubition. It seems the Company is never going to be a decent place to work again.

The big question for me is what comes next. I promised myself that my biggest priority will be getting healthy. Everything comes second to that. So, logically, I shouldn't even toy with the micro-ISV idea. Starting a new business while working a crappy job sounds mega-stressful, and I won't make the mistake of skipping on exercise again. Hell, even healthy people shouldn't do that, as the loss of energy from not exercising totally overshadows any extra working time.

I'm not giving up yet. I'll keep the job, and keep trying to get healthy again. And in the odd spare moments, I'll try to find a problem crying out for a software solution.

Survival Mode

Man, it has been ages since the last post. Hard for me to believe how long. Why? Because everything blew up at work.

The story is complicated, multi-dimensional, and really should be looked at from many points of view. But since this is my blog, I'm going to skip all that and just give it from my point of view.

Long and short of it, I totally messed up on the political front. I took the big boss' assurance that he wanted to hear what I really thought, and have been speaking my mind for awhile, as asked to do. At some point, he decided he didn't want to hear it - but didn't tell me.

Instead, he stuck me under the best "company man" manager and told him that I was no longer productive and needed a little shaking up. The new boss told me this during a performance review, and made it damn clear that I was dead meat if things didn't change - as well giving me some mindless corporate blather on how valuable I could be, if I just tried.

Ironically, I thought I was being helpful pointing out just how wrong-headed the current directions are - and why, with facts to back it up. All I can say is - yeah, I was an idiot for thinking that the big boss wanted really wanted me to point out where he was screwing up. The fact he asked me my opinion was irrelevant.

So I've been working under a microscope, trying to keep my mouth shut and just get things done. I'm not happy about this, but I don't need to lose my job right now. I'm saving my pennies still, as I suspect that doing what they tell me to do without comment is only delaying the Company from kicking me out. The big boss in question was promoted recently, and I've no doubt that he'll get around to getting rid of me when the next round of downsizing comes up. Which will probably be soon, given the way they're transferring stuff to India.

On the plus side, I think I'm almost out from under the microscope. My guess is my spirit has been deemed crushed enough, that I know my place and have been properly punished enough, that the big boss is satisfied for now. I think if I keep quiet I'll be left alone ... until the next downsizing. That may be a while in the future.

Time, maybe, to stop living day to day in survival mode.

Survival Mode

Man, it has been ages since the last post. Hard for me to believe how long. Why? Because everything blew up at work.

The story is complicated, multi-dimensional, and really should be looked at from many points of view. But since this is my blog, I'm going to skip all that and just give it from my point of view.

Long and short of it, I totally messed up on the political front. I took the big boss' assurance that he wanted to hear what I really thought, and have been speaking my mind for awhile, as asked to do. At some point, he decided he didn't want to hear it - but didn't tell me.

Instead, he stuck me under the best "company man" manager and told him that I was no longer productive and needed a little shaking up. The new boss told me this during a performance review, and made it damn clear that I was dead meat if things didn't change - as well giving me some mindless corporate blather on how valuable I could be, if I just tried.

Ironically, I thought I was being helpful pointing out just how wrong-headed the current directions are - and why, with facts to back it up. All I can say is - yeah, I was an idiot for thinking that the big boss wanted really wanted me to point out where he was screwing up. The fact he asked me my opinion was irrelevant.

So I've been working under a microscope, trying to keep my mouth shut and just get things done. I'm not happy about this, but I don't need to lose my job right now. I'm saving my pennies still, as I suspect that doing what they tell me to do without comment is only delaying the Company from kicking me out. The big boss in question was promoted recently, and I've no doubt that he'll get around to getting rid of me when the next round of downsizing comes up. Which will probably be soon, given the way they're transferring stuff to India.

On the plus side, I think I'm almost out from under the microscope. My guess is my spirit has been deemed crushed enough, that I know my place and have been properly punished enough, that the big boss is satisfied for now. I think if I keep quiet I'll be left alone ... until the next downsizing. That may be a while in the future.

Time, maybe, to stop living day to day in survival mode.

The Irresistible Project

If I'm going to code for 20 hours a week, I need a project. I actually thought it would be easy to come up with something to do, but it's been pretty hard. This is going to take up the little bit of free time I've got these days. I don't want to try to do something I'm going to hate.

Finally, I made a list of ideas. I wrote down every idea I could remember considering at one time or another. And as I stared at the list, I realized that there was one idea not on it. And I really didn't want to put it there. But I didn't have a choice. I wrote it down, at the very top.

You see, I've been resisting this idea for a long time. It seems juvenile, stupid, and totally useless intrinsically and from a business perspective. And yet ... deep down, I really want to do this. Despite everything I've said, for some reason I can't really figure out, I've got to do this.

Confession time - I'm a pseudo-reformed roleplayer. Ever since I played D and D with my cousins when I was 9, I've been fascinated by roleplaying. I've got a huge number of books for a whole bunch of different games that I've collected over the years. And one of the things I miss the most from college are the hours where I could actually play in various games. I don't play anymore due to lack of time. But I still buy books, read magazines and try to keep up with the hobby in general.

And like any computer literate roleplayer, I've thought about using computers to take out some of the tedium in the calculation and book keeping. I even wrote a program in BASIC to help me play Car Wars on my C-64. That was the program I had the most fun doing, and is in some ways the one I'm most proud of. And I've often thought, over the years, that I could do something like that again. Someday.

Of course, its all been done already. There are tons of programs like this out there for free, as well as a large number of little companies selling commercial products. This was true even when I wrote my little BASIC program. Not liking the idea of going down a path that thousands have already tread, I didn't do much more than think wistfully about the idea. An idea whose time was past.

And so it was inevitable that when I first started thinking about web applications, web 2.0, and AJAX that this idea would resurface. Instead of being yet another RPG program, it could be a web app! Being older and wiser, I thought about the commercial prospects of this, and they don't look that good. Small market, not financially well off, and well served by conventional applications. Forget it, I told myself.

But I haven't been able to. It keeps popping up in my head. No amount of stern lectures will make it go away. I keep arguing with myself about the business prospects, thinking it could, done just right, do well in a smaller niche of the RPG market. And maybe be the gateway to even more interesting ideas. I know this is likely nonsense, but part of me isn't giving up.

I give up! I'm not going to fight myself on this anymore. I need a project, I need to get with web application development, and I clearly want to do this. I accept that it likely will never make money in and of itself. At best, it will just be a fun learning project.

Since my favorite system these days is GURPS, I've decided to start work on a web application that helps you build a GURPS character. There is an official program that does this for the most current rules, so that will be the benchmark for this. The current plan is to do this in Ruby, using Rails so I can get more up to speed with both.

I should note that company behind GURPS (Steve Jackson Games) does allow fans to create game aids like this. However, in order to maintain their intellectual property rights (which I totally support, by the way) they need to approve of such products before they go public. That will put some restrictions on me as I build this. In particular, I won't be able to make partially usable stuff open to the public at large. I'll have to think about how I give progress reports on this effort.

Progress Report #1

I'm one week into my "new year." Here's the first report on goal progress:

1. Lose 1-2 lbs per week: I blew this one - I've gained about a pound. Rob warned me in a comment to my last post that losing weight without changing my diet wasn't going to work. This pretty much proves him right. Thus I'm modifying goal: To eat only 1500-2000 calories a day, starting today. I hate calorie counting but its got to be done. If I do this, plus exercise I should lose 1-2 lbs a week.
   
2. Exercise 4-5 times a week for at least 30 minutes: I did it! I exercised 4 times - my minimum, but hey, its a start.
   
3. Spend only $100 a month on things like books, eating out, etc: So far, so good. But there are two really interesting technical books out there now that I'm likely to buy. I'll save money and buy the eBook versions, but it will make hitting the budget for the month tough.
4. Spend 20 hrs a week coding: Total failure here as not one bit of time spent coding. My problem was that I didn't have anything I wanted to code. I've spent the time that I should have been doing something trying to come up with something to do. I decided on a project yesterday. I'll talk about it in my next post.
5. Blog at least once a week: Assuming I do the post today on my next project, I'll meet this one.

Overall, I generously give myself a C for this week. Gaining a pound is a real disappointment, but it made me refine my goal to be more specific and measurable. So I'll let that go as a learning experience. Lack of coding is also bad, but I really should have picked a project first. Everything else is OK so far.

The biggest thing I have to do is not let my disappointment make me lose sight of my goals. I've let small setbacks completely derail me in the past. As in "well I already had two cookies today, so I might as well eat the whole box." I'm telling myself its a brand new week. So the problems from last week don't matter anymore. Tune in next week to see how I do.

Re-inventing a Cubicle Coder

My last post ended with me wondering what my Company's moves to offshoring meant. Will my job disappear in a year? Or will everything be sweetness and light as management promises? I've been struggling with best & worst case scenarios, so I can figure out what to do.

It finally hit me this morning: It doesn't matter what I think might happen! I can't predict the future. I've got to start getting ready for the worst case. Anything else would be irresponsible of me.

To put it in bold terms: I have decided that I have one year, at most, to prepare for a new future. The question is - what future?

As soon as I put things like this, I knew that it was time to re-invent myself. Hard to say why this seemed so clear. Probably because of the blogs I'm reading. First, David St. Lawrence is doing a new series one re-inventing yourself (check out parts I, II, and III).

And I'm actually something of a fan of Steve Pavlina's blog. Steve has a number of posts and great articles on self improvement, most of which are well worth checking out. Note that Steve has a number of unconventional ideas. If you hate seeing "weird" and out of the ordinary ideas, you should go elsewhere. Personally, I think Steve is full of shit on a number of points, but I like reading people with different view points. And the fact that Steve is successfully unemployed, making tons of money with his site, is healthy, happy and doing what he loves should make it easy for him to ignore critics. Especially fat, diabetic critics who are frightened about losing a job they hate :) Seriously, there's good stuff there, check it out and don't let the stuff you disagree with keep you from learning from the good.

Whatever the reason, I've decided that I need to change. A new me for a new future. And since grand sweeping generalizations like this are just so much B.S., I decided to come up with concrete goals that are measurable so I can make actual progress.

So, to make things easy, I've decided that my reinvention period will be exactly one year long - starting Feb. 1, 2006 to Feb. 1, 2007. That's my timeframe.

What do I need to do? Let's deal with the obvious first:

1. Lose weight, get healthy: This is really a no brainer. If I need to find a new job, it will be a lot easier to get one if I'm not grossly overweight. If you're going to tell me discrimination is illegal, I'd agree but I doubt you can prove it. Additionally, being thin would likely get me off of pills, which would be nice if I lose insurance. And getting healthy will give me the energy to pursue more than just another cubicle coding gig. So losing weight is a goal. To be specific: my goal is to lose between 1 and 2 pounds every week. Ideally, I'd drop 100 lbs in the year (2 pounds a week) but I'll be satisfied with 75 lbs. This will be accomplished with diet and exercise. As for exercise: My goal is 30 minutes of aerobic exercise 4 or 5 times a week. I may add a bit of weight training to the mix, but I think this is ambitious enough to start.
2. Less spending: Again - duh! No job == no income for me, so I need to save money. A lot of it. Given the job market locally, need at least enough to survive a year. I hope I'll be doing more than just looking for a job, but either way I'll need money. There are lots of tips to saving cash, but what works best for me is an allowance. So my goal here is to: Spend no more than $100 dollars a month on eating out, books, etc. If I don't drop money on little things like Xbox 360 games, or a new computer, or a really cool big screen high def TV ... I'll be a lot better off.
   
3. More coding: I love programming. Whatever I end up doing, I hope coding is a part of it. Many will say that is stupid as coding is mindless work that is all going offshore. I still think that's a crock. Software is still a craft, and master craftsman will be rare and valuable. American corporations may too stupid to see that, but that will ultimately be their doom. I think there is a future in software in the U.S., either as a microISV of one, or being part of a very small company of really skilled folks. Think 37signals. So my goal is at least 20 hrs a week coding on my own projects. Key point: Not 20 hrs in front of the computer (surfing, e-mail, blogs). Those 20 hrs need to be doing real work. This is going to be a hard one, but I think it is critical. You can't be a master if you don't even do the work.
   
4. More blogging: I think blogging is helping me. Just setting words on the screen gives focus, and I've gotten kind words of encouragement and good advice. That leads to the goal: One blog post per week. I'll also do a post each week comparing what I did, vs. my goals.
   

And I'm going to stop here for now. The above doesn't look like much. But I've read that too many new goals at once is doomed to fail. You can't completely re-invent yourself all at once. You've got to do it in iterations. This looks like enough for iteration #1. So I'll end with one last goal - to do a new iteration at least every month.

And sorry for these last posts being so "me" focused. With this crap out of the way I'll get back to technology and business. Can't say that will be the last of these though. It really is a personal journal for this coder.

Highs & Lows

The Highs

1. I lost 10 pounds in the last month: Okay, not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But, all I did was cut out junk food and eating out so much. Imagine what I could do if I really tried ... Something I'll talk about soon.
2. Surviving Infancy: My youngest is still an infant, but it feels like the worst aspects of this stage are over. She goes to bed at a reasonable hour, sleeps most of the night, is eating solid food without complaint and just started saying "ma ma."
   
3. Xbox 360: I should probably make this a low as I waste a shitload of time playing games. But - it is so cool! I love "Kameo." Even a video game loser like me can have fun playing the easier modes. And the graphics are incredible.

The Lows
There really is only one low. But its huge. The Company has just started pushing offshoring in a really big way. Lots of people, mostly contractors, just got the boot so we can use more folks in India. Of course management tells us how wonderful all of this is going to be for us. The optimists I work with are totally geeked about all this. The realists are "concerned." And the cynical pessimists figure most of the present U.S. development staff has got a year or two left.

I can't help it. I've seen too much crap at this place, heard too much B.S. from management, to buy the rosy picture they're painting. I've been trying hard to figure out whether the realists or the cynics are closer to being right. Given IT employment in my neck of the woods, losing this job could have serious implications for me. As in - end of a career. Scary stuff.

... and sealevel
I usually focus on the lows in my life. And I was doing the same thing this time. But I've pulled myself out of the pit, using the highs to soften the blow. I think I'm back in a state where I can objectively figure out what to do. That will be my next post, assuming I ever figure it out ;)

Happy New Year!

Out with the old, in with the new. I'm actually pretty excited. I didn't make my deadline for my food log app, but I have made more progress this vacation then I have in months. It's coming along better than I thought, given how little time I've been able to put into it. Funny how the holidays seem to have less free time than normal work days.

I do have to say that so far Rails kicks ass! It is really easy to get started, and the automatic scaffolding is really helpful. In particular, it gives me a good place to start work on the web UI. That is where I'm really weak. Having a working thing to start tweaking is really helpful.

Thanks to rails, I've got the part of the app where you provide nutritional information on individual food items more or less functional (ugly as sin, but working). Next comes the daily food log page, and a simple login page. Once those three are down, I'll have something barely usable - which is all I'm shooting for now.

Lastly, I'm thankful for all the kind wishes and comments to my last post. It really means more than I can say!

Wishing you and yours all the best next year!